Jaded

I remember the first time an agent requested a partial of my ms.  I was so breathless with excitement.  I couldn’t believe it.  With shaking hands and tremulous hope, I got it into the mail the very next day, excited and filled with expectations.  Requests for partials continued and was so excited for each one.  But as the rejections came in, my enthusiasm dampened.  Excitement peaked again when I got my first requests for fulls.  I knew, just knew, they were going to love my book.  But they didn’t.  

And I got jaded.  

Maybe it is a defense mechanism, I’m not sure.  I am still submitting and I am still getting requests, but my anticipation isn’t nearly what it was.  I do not get breathless, I don’t get excited.  I feel very matter-of-fact about it.  

I miss the hope, the shaking feeling of submitting.  I miss the need to watch for the mailman or the email inbox.  

I think it is a little like being pregnant.  When you first find out you are going to have a baby, you are excited, treasuring every twinge, focusing on the hopes for your new child and how wonderful life will be.  But as the pregnancy progresses, your enthusiasm fades as one day melds into another and all you can thing about is how you wish you could sleep on your stomach again or go 15 minutes without going the bathroom.  The focus on the new life you have created fades into the misery of the long, drawn out physical work of being pregnant.   At least at the end of the 9 mos. you will have a cute little bundle to cart around and show off and you can say it was all worth it.

I hope I get to the point where a publisher delivers my “baby” into the world and I can sit back and say, yeah, it was worth it.